I know that this is going to backfire on me here too just like everywhere else in my life but I post it because it is my diary and my chronicles. Please don't make the judgements too harsh. Please. Please.
This was an email I wrote to my mother today.
Hiya,
This email is a bit difficult for me to write because I know what you are going to say.
I am in love with Joe. There really isn't anything I can do about it. He has reached out to me expressing his need to make us work. His fear of giving up and that he is going to try to be a better man. He has made mistakes and he admits to these but is going to try to be a better man and the man that I and the girls need. I believe that he is going to try. I have to believe. I took vows "for better or worse."
I know when you call me a moron and things like that it is only out of concern for my wellbeing. I understand your fear. I hope you know that I do not make this decision lightly. At all. I am scared beyond words but in the end it is my decision to make. I am an adult and have weighed the pros and cons. I love you and I love him and have felt very torn between the two and I cannot do it any more.
The restraining order is killing me. How do I chose between the two people I love the most? How do I chose who sees the birth? The father or the grandmother who's been there? How do I tell Joe he can't come see his first born daughter because you are there.
I am so lost as to what to do for this whole situation. I can't see him as he cannot come to the trailer, and when I say I am going out you forbid me from seeing him, or get mad at me if I do, or deny watching Chloe because I am going to see him. If i have driven to see him you are angry I used the gas to go to Revere. I am scared to take a step in the direction to be with Joe.
I know that you are going to say let's talk about this later, or I don't want to hear it, something like that but Mom, we can't go on avoiding this situation. I need to know that you are willing to work with me to come up with a good plan or a good situation that I can see Joe, and after Sophia is born, he can see her. He does not want to miss out on the bonding time with her. I do not want that either.
I want to stay here with you and make this work but if I am going to be tortured for my every decision I cannot do it and will have to take Debi up on her offer to live in Florida with them while we get on our feet. I fear that decision but i fear the constant ridicule that I get here more. I literally have no one left standing next to me. On my facebook I am constantly deleting comments my "friends" are leaving that are so cruel. I lost Rich, I am losing you, and Tina is on her way out the door too. I am being abandoned for following my heart. I know these people are concerned about me but does hat mean they have to leave me when I don't make the right decision?
This is my choice to make and my chance to lose or succeed in a marriage. We were only married 2 months were both overly stressed and its unfair to give up after this short amount of time. We need to make things work. We need to do it for the kids we need to do it for ourselves. I love him, and he loves me. He's working on himself and thats all I needed to know.
I hope you accept my decision, if not like I said just give me a few weeks and he and I will make plans to move. I would rather wait but if thats what you want, its what can happen.
Please address what's going on with the restraining order sot hat I am not forbidden to see him at every waking moment. and Also I'd like you to mention the birth and what's going to happen. Please. We do need to talk about this. I need to know if we are going to work things out or if I am going to make plans to move. 
I love you and cried through this whole email. It was so hard for me to write and I hope you understand.
. 29 wks today.
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