I will never deliver this. It needs to be written. Maybe it will help. Maybe it won't help. I am actually scared to do this even though it will never be deliverd.

To Angel,

     You had met me. Remember? We met in the shoe store where you worked. I was even there shopping for my Wedding. You helped me pick out shoe's for Chloe who was also there. Debi, my future mother in law and your friend was there as well. You spoke to me. Asked me friendly questions. You got to know me and knew that I was shopping for my wedding to your friend Joe. I should have known somethign was wrong when Joe walked in and the look you gave him. God, I wish I knew then what I know now.

     A month or so later you started talking to Joe again. You explained to him how terrible your marriage was and he responded in the same manner though I didn't notice his misery. You began texting him. I saw some of the things he said about me and wanted to die. I cried for a very long time. I shoudl have known then. I should have gotten out then. I didn't though becasue I loved him and wanted to make things work.

    You knew I was pregnant. You were friends with him on facebook and saw all the lovey dovey thigns I would say to him, and still you did what you did. You were married, why did you have to go after him?

     Joe and I were having trouble and to this day I wonder if the cause was because of you. I remember the day I got the picture of you from his cell phone. You were covered but naked. His bare leg was in the picture as well, I wanted to die. I cried for a very long time. And he came at me with his violent temper. I begged for the truth from the both of you and you finally told me. You'd had sex. You didn't use a condom. You knew me! How could you do this. You called me a psycho and all these other names, and he joined in. You tortured me, and aided in his adultry. I was not the whore, you were.

     A month or so later, when you KNEW Joe and I were going to work out you told Joe you might be pregnant. He embraced it happily. I knew it was becasue he wanted a boy and not the girl I was giving him. I read the texts. You said that you were going to name the baby after him, and he was happy. I cried so hard. So hard.

     Now that you are out of our lives, I think about you all the time. I hurt at the thought of your name. And I hate you for everything you did to me, knowingly. You knew me. You saw me. I wasn't some faceless person in someone elses life.

     I still cry from the pain it caused me. I have nightamres and flashbacks to the pain and torture you let me endure. I don't think I will ever be the same again after what you and he did to me. What you and he did hurt worse than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I am crying while I am writting this. I am hurting to write this and I know it will never be sent to you. This pain is real and I am terrified it will never go away. If I could ask you just one question it would be, "Why?"

      I don't know that I ever really would ask you this because i'm afraid the answer would be I don't know. How could you not know why you caused a pregnant newlywed so much pain? How could you justify it? How do YOU sleep at night?

     I will never forgive you for what you have done to me. I will never forget what you have done to me. I hope someday I can let go and I am able to trust people again. I hope someday I can feel pain and not want to slice my wrists open. I hope someday I can be okay again.

  Now he has you blocked, and I do too. We will never talk to you again, but I needed to write this letter. Part of me hopes you'll read it and understand what it is exactly you did to me. From the flash backs to the terrifying nightmares, all the way down to the daily breakdowns I have. I am not strong any more and not nearly who I need to eb for my children. You knew what you were diong and still you did it. I will never understand why, even though sometimes I feel like it will help me. I know you'll never tell me. You knew me. You were there before I got married. You knew, and still you killed me. Murderer.

     Part of me wishes I could make you hurt the way I hurt, but i know thats not possible. To hurt the way I do, you need a heart. And that is something you had lost a long time ago to be able to do what you did to me. So live on in your jaded world. You'll never fully understand what you have done

From the woman whos heart you destroyed,

Katie.

Literally tears. How do I make this better? How do I sleep again at night?

I'm going to write another letter to joe that I'll never give to him. (I think.) I'll be back on later.