This has been the worst week in a while. He is awful and tearing me apart. He is torturing me. He loves it, they love it. They all see it and yet they still help him hurt me. *sigh* I broke down in my HAWC group today. I had everyone else crying. I want the pain to stop and i kept crying saying that I want my daddy. I want my daddy. I don't want to be in love with joe at all and instead I am. I don't want him to call or text and when he doesn't it hurts me. He is moving on and has been with many different women already. He boasts about it. He's goign to torture them too. He's goign to hurt them too. I want to warn them all... =( He is torturing me. God help me...

It's just so hard and so confusing. I can't seem to disconnect from him. I am trying so hard to be strong but I still want him to desire me. I can't say no to him sexually. It sucks too cause I am so afraid that he is having sex with someone else, or many other people. I am afraid he is goign to give me an std. A lot of times I feel stupid. I know that I shouldn't feel stupid though because I really am sick. I am twisted up in this vicious cycle of abuse. He's good then hes bad then hes horrible then hes amazing. I just need to keep going to my support groups and therepy and hope that I can gain the strength to withstand the temptation of him. I hope it gets easier.

I went to grap food for my amazing crock pot meal for tomorrow. I went to the check out. The woman said NOTHING to me. I told her I was paying with EBT (Massachusetts Food Stamps) and cash via my debit card because I only use food stamps for the food that's for the whole family and I paid for my soda seperate. Idk what went up this woman's ass but she ignored me completely and kept giving me dirty looks. The only thing she said to me was "I assume you'll want this kept out" in reference to the soda I paid cash for. She then started talkign ot the customer behind me telling her all about deals on food she had put up on the belt. The bagger bagged my items and didn't put them into my cart. Wouldn't even look me in the eyes at all. and started bagging the other customers thigns before I had all of my things in my cart. I had no idea what was mine and what wasn't. I called the store manager I was so mad. I will be meeting with him on monday. I'm sorry but when I have two children with me I obviously can't be doing their job for them! Not for nothing, but I have never been made to feel ashamed for using food stamps before. EVER. I was so embarrased today.

Joe is out with another girl right now. I hate him. He also over drew his bank account to pay for that dirty website ulust.com He told me he is out with a girl named Tiffany. I don't believe him. He made a dirty video of himself in my house when I wasn't home. You can see my girls pictures in the back ground. It's disgusting. You can guess what the video is of. He posted it to his dirty website. And he still had the nerve to tell me that he couldn't buy diapers. I won that battle though. He did buy the girls diapers. That was good of him I guess. But to tell me that he still loves me while posting that shit online, ewe. He's goign to hurt another girl and it kills me. I just want to message them all and warn them. And not for nothing, but he also has his e-mail address linked on my bank of america account. I found that out today. Piece of shit. Am I ever going to be okay?

In other news, after my HAWC group meeting, a group for abused women, there was a woman there giving free massages!!!! She goes to the HAWC place once a month and does this for the ladies. I about cried. It was 40 minutes and it was absolutely amazing. The lotions and the music. I swaer, it was one of the nicest thigns that has ever happened. I feel quite thankful for that.

I have been doing therepy, HAWC support groups, cleaning, gardening, cooking, play groups with my girls, and reconnecting with family, and still I feel so broken. How can one person cause so much damage.  =(

I am also involved in welfare employment group and job search groups. I am attending all of those meetings following all the rules and trying my hardes to get a job. Since Jan, I have applied to over 400 jobs. It's hard to believe that I haven't gotten one, but my employment guy says that no one is hiring. It's awful. He has another client, who is also the mother to one of Chloe's daycare firends, who is in the same boat. She and I talk and trade job application options. It's just sad. I can't live off of 600 a month. It's damn near impossible.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do and was just all around feeling like crap. I wasn't sure what to do and just wanted to cry. I laid on the couch and did nothing but lay there. I let Chloe wath Mickey Mouse more than just once, which is unusual for me. She was quiet and Sophia was rollling around exploring things. I hate not having any ambition.

But wait, I realized I hadn't taken my medicine.

With in ten minutes of taking my Prozac and Adderall I feel like a new person. I am starting to make plans and feeling a bit more abitious. It is a great feeling to finally be on the right mix of medicine. I only wish I could feel like this all the time with out the medicine. Oh well..At least I am able to achieve this feeling at all. Some people aren't so lucky, even after years of testing different medications.

So done with joe and his psychopathic ways. OMG I Haven't blogged about this yet. Are you all ready to be scared?!

First the definition of a psychopath :  People who are psychopathic prey ruthlessly on others using charm, deceit, violence or other methods that allow them to get with they want. The symptoms of psychopathy include: lack of a conscience or sense of guilt, lack of empathy, egocentricity, pathological lying, repeated violations of social norms, disregard for the law, shallow emotions, and a history of victimizing others.

Here is the standard questionare to determine if a person is a psychopath or not. For each factor the score can be a 0 which means the person does not have this trait at all. 1 means the person is partially like that and 2 means the person is that trait with out a shadow of a doubt. There are 20 Questions. I will put Joes Scores in Red.

1. Glibness and Superficial Charm – Smooth-talking, engaging and slick. 2
2. Grandiose Self-Worth – Greatly inflated idea of one's abilities and self-esteem, arrogance and a sense of superiority. 2
3. Needs Stimulation/Prone to Boredom – An excessive need for new, exciting stimulation and risk-taking. 0
4. Pathological Lying – Shrewd, crafty, sly and clever when moderate; deceptive, deceitful, underhanded and unscrupulous when high. 2
5. Manipulative – Uses deceit and deception to cheat others for personal gain. 2
6. No Guilt/Remorse: no feelings or concern for losses, pain and suffering of others, coldhearted and unempathic. 2
7. Emotional Poverty – Limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness. 2
8. Lacks Empathy – A lack of feelings toward others; cold, contemptuous and inconsiderate. 2
9. Parasitic Lifestyle – Intentional, manipulative, selfish and exploitative financial dependence on others. 2
10. Poor Behavioral Controls – Expressions of negative feelings, verbal abuse and inappropriate expressions of anger. 2
11. Promiscuity – Brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs and an indiscriminate choice of sexual partners. 2
12. No Realistic Long-Term Goals – Inability or constant failure to develop and accomplish long-term plans. 2
13. Impulsiveness – Behaviors lacking reflection or planning and done without considering consequences. 2
14. Irresponsible – Repeated failure to fulfill or honor commitments and obligations. 1
15. Fails to Accept Responsibility for Own Behavior – Denial of responsibility and an attempt to manipulate others through this. 2
16. Many Short-Term Marital Relationships – Lack of commitment to a long-term relationship. 2
17. Early Behavior Problems – A variety of dysfunctional and unacceptable behaviors before age thirteen. 1
18. Juvenile Delinquency – Criminal behavioral problems between the ages of 13-18. 2
19. Revocation of Conditional Release – Violating probation or other conditional release because of technicalities. 0
20. Criminal Versatility – Diversity of criminal offenses, whether or not the individual has been arrested or convicted. 2

Joes Score: 34

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You know who you are. Thank you. I needed that closure. It means a lot to me to know everything I thought was true and that I wasn't insane. Thank you.

New and different versions of the truth come out all the time. I hope this time I can be done for sure. Those websites were just a bit too much for me to handle.

In case you were curious...

ulust.com

adoptaguy.com

ashleymadison.com

woome.com

zoosk.com

And those are just the ones I know about. Yuck. Idk how he can tell me he loves me and be active on those websites. I am trying to have strength this time. I hope I can do this.

I have turned my focus to my home and my lawn. I am going to try a garden...Idk how well it will work but we shall see.

I just keep begging him for the truth and he wont tell me. I am BEGGING. I explain to him it will help me heal and he still doesn't. I'm never going to know am i? *sigh*

I did find some interesting websites...yuck...how can he tell me he loves me? Idk...I can't heal from what i don't know. I know something is wrong but i don't know what it is so i cant deal with it. Instead i have to deal with pain that i have no idea what from. I wish i could know the truth... =( I wish he'd understand it would be the right thing to do.

Poem In Five Chapters

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ---- I am helpless ---- it isn’t my fault. . . . .
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place ---- but it isn’t my fault. . . .
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . . It is a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.