Life After Love
Love is the the source of life; when love dies, we no longer exist. How then, am I expected to love again if I am nonexistent?
I read stories of abuse and despair followed by recovery and triumph. When I get to the end of the story I find myself with a crinkled face and thoughts racing through my mind. "She can't be for real," or "This is absolute b/s."
Inparticular, one story I read recently has really agitated me. Amanda describes her 5 year marriage as abusive on several levels. She explains that in March of 2010 she left her husband and by March 2011 was divorced. The story proceeds to describe how she met her now husband in April of 2011 and was married by March 2013.
The whole time all I can think is: a) Something is really wrong with her or b) Something is really wrong with me. I was getting sick and nervous just hearing that she was in a relationship that quickly after getting out of her abusive relationship.
One month after my divorce, which ironically was March 2011 - I was a nutcase. I suffered from severe PTSD.
A full list of symptoms:
- Flashbacks,
- Intrusive imagery,
- Nightmares
- Anxiety,
- Emotional numbing,
- Hypervigilance
- Avoidance of traumatic triggers.
- Heart palpitations or breaking into a cold sweat when you see violence on TV
- Waking up in a state of panic from dreams of being chased by your abuser
- Cleaning obsessively to avoid thinking about the abuse
- Not answering the phone because you think it might be your abuser
- Not taking pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
- Not feeling close to anyone
- Not being able to walk down the street without looking around and worrying that you will run into your abuser
- Not being able to get more than four or five hours sleep, and not restful sleep at that
- Trying to read and finding yourself stuck on the same page for twenty minutes
- Yelling at the kids for little things
- Feeling guilty that the children witnessed the abuse or are being deprived of their father
- Feeling guilty about not having been able to get your partner to change
- Feeling guilty about not having broken off the relationship sooner
99% of the above list still apply. I'm not saying it didn't cross my mind to attempt dating after my divorce. I found that each attempt was harder than the first. Each man I met had one more characteristic that was "abusive" and caused me to run away faster. One may have raised his voice, the other may have driven a bit too fast. I recall a man who didn't see his children very often, while another simply didnt work 40 hours a week. Any quality that paralleled my x-husband was an instant disqualifier. I will never consider a man with the same name as my x-husband. The same height was even a disqualifier at one point in time.
I've grown delusional at this point in time. I read stories like Amanda's and wonder what she did to recover. I have gone to therapy. I have been on more medicine than I care to explain. I have dated. I have met people. I have become comfortable with people. Do you believe in life after love? Do you have to be a certain type of person to experience Love after life?
I am currently dating someone I really like but he will never consider me more than someone comfortable to date casually. This is another area my resentment for my x-husband grows. Here I am with three children at the age of 25. I can meet great guys and then i (normally) count myself out because I know they will eventually want children. This one time I take a chance, and fall for an amazing guy. When it comes to the talk of exclusive versus "not a chance in hell" ... I realize I should have NEVER turned my back on my original rule. In fairness, he wants the ideal image of a picture perfect family. So did I, so do we all. I do not want to rob that from him. And that's what I would do.
What bothers me the most is here I am ... 4 years (nearly exactly) after the first time I was ever hurt by my x-husband, and for a few months now I've been able to open up and trust another man. I want to scream at someone - be that god, be that allah, be that who ever you bow your heads or raise your hands to...there is nothing fair about teasing me with the illusion of trust and comfort and security when its never going to happen.
So after realizing that he was not going to be satisfied with me, miss used goods, I tried to date. All I have done was spine myself in an endless circle of no, no, and hell no.
Recently I went on a date - and this is a first for me so pay attention - (not the going on a date part but the ... well you will see) - So yes recently I went on a date and we were going back and forth and I was giving a little bit of my back ground and he was as well. He was a single father of 2 and I explained I had three kids. He then crossed the line mentioning that he liked sexual tension and thought we had a lot of it going on. I did a polite heh sort of giggle and said "oh, me too...sleeping with someone on the first date is not really my style..." and I swear the jerk says "Thats strange coming from a single mother with three kids."
How can the woman from the story find someone 1 month after her divorce and here I am nearly 3 years after my divorce still terrified of my own shadow if it is too dark out?
If you ask me, life barely exists after love and love sure as hell does not exist after life.
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