NTRODUCTION: I MET HIM NOVEMBER 2009 WHILE SHOPPING FOR A GATE AT BABIES R US. I WORKED THERE AT THE TIME SO I HAD RECOGNIZED HIM FROM THE SHIPPING AND RECEIVING DEPARTMENT BUT I NEVER REALLY KNEW HIM. HE WAS MYSTERIOUS ENOUGH AND ONE HELL OF A FLIRT. WE TEXTED AND TALKED AND FLIRTED AND ENDED UP HAVING A QUIET NIGHT AT MY HOUSE A COUPLE OF WEEKS LATER. BY DECEMBER I WAS PREGNANT. HE WAS A HIT WITH MY FAMILY. MY DAUGHTER (ALTHOUGH NOT HIS) LOVED HIM AS HER OWN FATHER. HER BIOLOGICAL FATHER WALKED OUT ON HER AT A VERY YOUNG AGE. THROUGH THE STORY YOU WILL SEE MENTION OF HIM - HE WALKS OUT ON HER AROUND AGE 2 - ALTHOUGH SHE NEVER KNEW HIM AS DADDY DUE TO HIS INCONSISTENCY. TO THIS DAY SHE DOESN’T KNOW THE TRUTH. I’M CERTAIN I HAVE TO TELL HER, SOMEDAY.

THE ABUSE:

1. I REMEMBER A FIGHT ON NEW YEARS EVE. IT WAS ABOUT HIM AND WHERE HE WAS. IF HE WAS WITH THIS GIRL HIS FRIEND WAS TRYING TO HOOK HIM UP WITH. HE SAID NO, AND THEN HE LEFT IN A TIRE SCREECHING FURY. I DIDN’T GET MY NEW YEARS EVE KISS FROM HIM. I SPENT IT WITH MY DAUGHTER AND MY TINY BABY IN MY BELLY.

2. I STARTED JANUARY 2010  WITH A MESSAGE FROM AN UNKNOWN NUMBER, ANNOUNCING HERSELF AS SOMEONE WHO WAS WITH HIM ON NEW YEARS EVE AND THEY MADE OUT IN MY CAR THAT I’D LENT HIM TO GO TO WORK WITH. THE UNKNOWN NUMBER SENT ME A PICTURE. I STILL BELIEVED HIM WHEN HE SAID IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.

3. WE DECIDED TO GET MARRIED IN MARCH. THE DAY BEFORE OUR WEDDING HE WENT OUT WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. I HAD SIGNIFICANT TRUST ISSUES AT THIS POINT AND HE HAD A NEW GIRL IN HIS LIFE. I MADE HIM PROMISE NOT TO SEE THIS GIRL, ESPECIALLY AFTER THE NEW YEARS ORDEAL.  JUST AFTER MIDNIGHT, ON THE DAY OF OUR WEDDING, I RECEIVED CONFIRMATION THAT HE WAS WITH SEVERAL GIRLS - YET NOT IN A “BACHELOR PARTY” SETTING. I WAS IN MY HOME WITH HIS PARENTS - HIS FAMILY - HIS NEPHEW AND MY FAMILY CRYING. I ALMOST CALLED OFF THE WEDDING. I SHOULD HAVE.

4.  WE GOT MARRIED AND THINGS WERE GOOD. WE WERE LIVING WITH MY MOTHER AND HE HATED THAT. HE HATED HER. WE STARTED HAVING PROBLEMS IN APRIL. WE HAD SEVERAL HUGE FIGHTS. HE WOULD THROW POTS AND PANS, PHONES AND COMPUTERS, BREAK ANYTHING HE COULD FIND, PUNCH WALLS, AND DO WHATEVER HE COULD TO SCARE ME. BY THE END OF APRIL THE FIGHTING HAD GOTTEN SO SCARY I ASKED HIM TO LEAVE. HE MOVED BACK INTO HIS FRIEND’S HOUSE. HE WAS STILL PROFESSING HIS LOVE AND BEGGING ME TO BE WITH HIM. AT THE SAME TIME THERE WERE STILL SEVERAL QUESTIONS OF INFIDELITY AND WHICH WOMEN HE WAS WITH. PICTURES WOULD POP UP ON HIS SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS, AND NEW WOMEN WOULD COMMENT ON HIS PICTURES DAILY. STILL HE WAS ABLE TO PERSUADE ME OTHERWISE.  SO WE WENT ON.

5. BY MAY, WE WERE ROCKY BUT TOGETHER. I WAS IN LOVE AND STILL CONSIDERED MYSELF HAPPILY  MARRIED. AT THIS POINT I WAS 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. DURING ONE OF MY NAPS I RECEIVED A FACEBOOK MESSAGE FROM A WOMAN NAMED CAITLIN. SHE EXPLAINED THAT JOE HAD SENT HER A PICTURE OF HER WIFE (YES, SHE IS A LESBIAN) POST-COIATLE WITH JOE. MY HEART SANK. WHILE THERE HAD ALWAYS BEEN QUESTIONS OF JOE WITH OTHER WOMEN - HANGING OUT, BEING PLACES HE SAID HE WASN’T GOING TO BE. THE PICTURE WAS SENT ME. IT WAS DIRECTLY FORWARDED FROM HIS PHONE. IT HAD HIS PHONE NUMBER ON THE PICTURE. NATURALLY, HE DENIED IT. HE YELLED AND SCREAMED AT ME.

6. THAT DAY MY DAUGHTER’S BIOLOGICAL FATHER WAS OVER FOR A VISIT. JOE INFORMED ME THAT I SHOULD GET HIM OUT OF THERE BECAUSE HE WAS COMING OVER TO KILL HIM. I WAS TERRIFIED AND CALLED THE COPS. THE POLICE HELPED ME FILE AN EMERGENCY RESTRAINING ORDER AND DIRECTED ME TO THE COURTHOUSE TO MAKE IT CONCRETE. JUST BEFORE THE ORDER BECAME OFFICIAL I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH HIM AND HE ADMITTED TO CHEATING ON ME. TOLD ME HE HATED ME AND NEVER WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN AND WANTED ME TO SUFFER AND FEEL PAIN. I GOT THE RESTRAINING ORDER.

7. ABOUT A WEEK LATER I DROPPED IT BECAUSE I MISSED HIM TOO MUCH. THAT’S WHEN HE TOLD ME HE DIDN’T CHEAT ON ME AND THAT HE ONLY SAID IT CAUSE I KEPT PUSHING AND HE DIDN’T MEAN ALL THOSE AWFUL THINGS.

8. I DON’T REMEMBER AT WHAT POINT HE FINALLY TOLD ME THAT HE CHEATED ON ME BUT IT HAPPENED. AND HE CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE A WEEK OR SO LATER AND WE WERE TALKING AND HE SHOWED ME HIS PHONE (BECAUSE I ASKED) AND IN IT WAS A CONVERSATION WITH “MY ANGEL BABY” WHERE THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT “THEIR KID” AND HOW SHE WAS GOING TO MAKE THE BABY BE AN “INSERT HIS LAST NAME” AND SHE JUST KNEW SHE WAS CARRYING BOY BECAUSE THATS WHAT HE WANTED (I WAS PREGNANT WITH A GIRL).
(MIND YOU THIS IS ALL HAPPENING IN MAY, 3 MONTHS AFTER WE GOT MARRIED) AND HE SAID THAT WOULD MAKE HIM HAPPY AND OTHER THINGS LIKE THAT. HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS JUST GOING ALONG WITH IT AND THAT SHE WASN’T PREGNANT AND BLAH BLAH BLAH.
AS I DROPPED HIM OFF AT HIS HOUSE I GOT A TEXT THAT SAID “GUESS WHAT?” AND I REPLIED WHAT, AND HE WROTE BACK “SHE KNOWS ABOUT THE BABY AND I SHE DIDN’T GET MAD” I TURNED THE CAR AROUND AND CALLED HIM ON IT AND HE SAID THAT HE NEVER SENT ANY TEXT MESSAGES AT ALL. -I WAS SO NAIVE. I WAS SO BLIND. HE SENT A TEXT MESSAGE. HE SENT A MESSAGE STRAIGHT TO MY PHONE! AND I BELIEVED HIM. I BELIEVED HE DID NOT SEND A TEXT MESSAGE. I WAS PREGNANT WITH OUR CHILD. I WAS SCARED OF THIS MAN. I DIDN’T WANT TO LOSE HIM. I FORGAVE HIM. I WAS CRYING HYSTERICALLY WHILE HE WAS YELLING, AND SCREAMING, AND SHOUTING AT ME.

9. FATHERS DAY ROLLS AROUND AND HE SWEARS HE’S NOT TEXTING ANGEL AT ALL OR TALKING TO HER. I TOLD HIM IF HE LET ME SEE HIS PHONE I’D GIVE HIM HEAD ALL THE WAY LIKE TAKE IT IN MY MOUTH ALL THE WAY. AND HE AGREED. I FOUND THAT HE WAS SENDING HER NAKED PICTURES AND SHE WAS SENDING HIM NAKED PICTURES. THE MOST RECENT ONE WAS THAT DAY. THE SAME DAY THAT HE HAD ASKED ME FOR PICTURES AND I DID IT. I STILL GAVE HIM HEAD. 

10. A COUPLE OF WEEKS LATER, WE WERE DOING WELL. HE SAID HE WASN’T TALKING TO HER AND HE TRULY LOVED ME AND WAS READY TO BE THE HUSBAND I DESERVED. I MADE THE DECISION TO EXPERIMENT WITH ANAL. HE HURT ME. I CRIED AFTER IT FELT LIKE I’D LOST MY VIRGINITY ALL OVER AGAIN. THE NEXT DAY, I FOUND PICTURES HE HAD SENT ANGEL JUST TWO DAYS PRIOR. THAT DAY HE BROKE MY COMPUTER. (I’M 6 MONTHS PREGNANT NOW.)

11. RIGHT AFTER IT SEEMED LIKE ANGLE HAD TRULY EXITED THE PICTURE, ANOTHER GIRL JACKIE ENTERED INTO THE PICTURE. NATURALLY HE DENIED HER EXISTENCE COMPLETELY. AT THIS POINT, WE HAD DECIDED TO MOVE TO FLORIDA. MY MOTHER WOULDN’T LET ME BE WITH HIM, AND THE ONLY WAY I COULD BE WITH HIM WAS IF I MOVED. HE HAD PERSUADED ME BY PAINTING THIS PERFECT PICTURE OF A BETTER LIFE. WE WOULD BE LIVING WITH HIS FAMILY. MY FAMILY WAS SO AWFUL AND I WAS SO MISERABLE AND HE JUST KNEW THAT I WOULD BE HAPPIER IN FLORIDA. HE HAD TO BE RIGHT…RIGHT? THE DAY BEFORE WE LEAVE, I NOTICE A MESSAGE ON HIS SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT THAT SAYS “I WISH I HAD YOU IN MY ARMS.” I WAS SO BROKEN AND SO SAD. I CRIED FOR HOURS. I HAD BURNED BRIDGES WITH MY MOTHER AND HAD NO WHERE TO TURN. I MOVED WITH HIM. I WAS BROKEN IN LOVE.

- AT THIS POINT IN TIME I HAD LOST THREE CELLPHONES TO HIM, AND 2 COMPUTERS. ALL TO HIS RAGE. HE HAD BROKEN 2 OF HIS OWN CELL PHONES DURING OUR FIGHTS.-

12. JULY 2009 (8 MONTHS PREGNANT) IN FLORIDA, IT WAS AN AWFUL SITUATION. I WAS MISERABLE. BUT IT SEEMED LIKE HE GOT BETTER. WE GOT INTO ONE FIGHT AND THIS IS WHERE HIS CONTROL ISSUES TOOK ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF SCARY. I REMEMBER IT WAS VERY LATE AT NIGHT. WE HAD TO SLEEP IN THE LIVING ROOM. CHLOE SLEPT IN THE PACK AND PLAY, HE WAS ON ONE COUCH AND I WAS ON THE OTHER. HE WOULDN’T LET ME SLEEP. HE ALSO TOLD ME I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO HOLD MY DAUGHTER. SHE WAS CRYING. HE TOOK BINKY FROM HER. SHE CRIED LOUDER. HE FORBID ME FROM GETTING UP TO GET HER. HE BLOCKED ME.  HE MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT I HAD TO ASK HIS PERMISSION. THEN, HE TOOK MY COMPUTER FROM ME TOLD ME I’D HAVE TO ASK FOR PERMISSION TO USE MY CELLPHONE. I REMEMBER THE ARGUMENT STARTED BECAUSE I WAS TIRED AND WAS NOT IN THE MOOD TO TALK. I WAS CRYING HYSTERICALLY AND HIS FAMILY DIDN’T DO A DAMN THING.

13. WE MADE IT PRETTY MUCH TO SEPTEMBER AFTER THE BIRTH OF OUR DAUGHTER BEFORE WE STARTED HAVING PROBLEMS AGAIN. WE MOVED BACK TO MASSACHUSETTS AND IT STARTED TO GET UGLY. HE BEGAN YELLING AND SCREAMING. HIS LYING INTENSIFIED. HALF THE TIME HE WOULDN’T EVEN RECOGNIZE WHAT HE WAS YELLING ABOUT.

14. DURING ONE OF OUR FIGHTS, HE SAID TO LEAVE THE ROOM. HE WAS YELLING AND SHOUTING AT ME TO LEAVE. I GOT UP WITH THE BABY IN MY ARMS, I GOT UP OFF THE BED AND BEGAN WALKING OUT OF THE ROOM. JUST AS I WAS AT THE DOOR, I FELT MYSELF BEING PULLED BACKWARDS. HE WRAPPED HIS ARM AROUND MY  NECK AND PULLED ME BACK ONTO THE BED AND HE WAS ON TOP OF ME. IT HAPPENED SO FAST THAT I BLACKED OUT. I REMEMBER HE WAS OFF OF ME AND THE BABY WAS CRYING - I WAS IN  THE CORNER OF THE ROOM IN THE FETAL POSITION. HE WAS SOBBING AND WAS VERY HYSTERICAL. I KEPT SCREAMING AT HIM TO GET OUT. I JUST KEPT SCREAMING “GET OUT” OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I WAS CORNERED AND NOT NEAR ANY PHONE. THE BABY WAS STILL IN MY ARMS AND SHE WAS CRYING. SHE WASN’T HURT THOUGH. I WAS ABLE TO STAND UP A LITTLE AND BEGAN BEGGING HIM TO LEAVE. I WASN’T NEAR A DOOR SO I COULDN’T RUN FOR HELP. MY OTHER DAUGHTER WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE SOUND ASLEEP (THANK THE HEAVENS).  THE ONLY THOUGHTS PASSING THROUGH MY MIND WERE - KEEP MY KIDS SAFE. I WENT INTO RESCUE MODE. I TRIED TO TALK TO HIM AND CALM HIM DOWN. HE WAS BEGGING FOR MY FORGIVENESS. I TOLD HIM HE WAS SICK AND NEEDED HELP. I TOLD HIM HE WASN’T HEALTHY. HE AGREED. I CONVINCED HIM TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL TO BE EVALUATED. I WAS CONVINCED THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA. I THOUGHT FOR SURE THEY WOULD TAKE HIM AWAY AND SEE THAT HE WAS A SOCIOPATH OR A PSYCHOPATH. THEY WOULD PUT HIM ON MEDICINE AND HE WOULD COME HOME AND BE A GREAT MAN. THE HOSPITAL DID NOT ADMIT HIM. HE TOLD THEM HE WAS SAD. HE DID NOT TELL THEM ANY OF WHAT HAD HAPPENED. HE WENT HOME WITH ME THAT NIGHT.

15. REFLECTIONS FROM THAT TIME VIA JOURNAL ENTRY 2009 “I HAVE NO JOB AND THE CAR IS JOINT. I AM UNHAPPY AND HE KEEPS SAYING HES GOING TO GET BETTER AND CHANGE BUT I KNOW HE ISN’T. HE STILL LIES. ABOUT IT ALL. LIES AND HIDES THINGS FROM ME. IT’S AWFUL. I REALLY WANT OUT. I HAVE LEGIT POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. I STAY AWAKE AT NIGHT AND REMINISCE IN HORROR OVER ALL OF THIS. I CAN’T HEAR THE WORD ANGEL WITHOUT THINKING OF THE HORRIBLE THINGS HE DID WITH HER AND SHOWED ME. I NEED TO BE STRONG FOR MY GIRLS BEFORE THEY GET HURT OR I GET HURT CAUSE HE WILL PROGRESSIVELY GET WORSE. I JUST NEED TO GROW A BACKBONE AND KNOW THAT WHEN HE CRIES ITS NOTHING. IT MEANS NOTHING BECAUSE HE WILL JUST GO BACK TO IT AGAIN. IDK GUYS ITS JUST TOO HARD. SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG.I FORGOT TO MENTION THE LETTERS I FOUND IN HIS FACEBOOK ACCOUNT ABOUT TALKING ABOUT MEETING UP WITH RANDOM CHICKS FOR SEX. HE SWEARS IT NEVER HAPPENED BUT WHO THE HELL KNOWS.”

16. BY 2010 LIFE WAS GETTING REALLY BAD.

A) JANUARY 2, 2010

B) JANUARY 7, 2010

C) JANUARY 15, 2010

D) JANUARY 18, 2010

E) JANUARY 23, 2010

F) MARCH 28, 2010

G) APRIL 28, 2010

BETWEEN APRIL 2010 AND MARCH 2011 I DID NOT POST. THE WORST BEGAN. HE CHANGED. HE CHANGED A LOT.

- THE STORY TO END IT ALL. - HE CAME OVER ONE NIGHT TO SEE THE CHILDREN. THIS WAS JULY 2010. I FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. A TEXT MESSAGE CAME THROUGH ON MY CELL PHONE. “HI BABE, ARE YOU AWAKE?” TRUTH TO THE WORLD - I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT PERSON WAS. TO THE PSYCHO - HE FIGURED I WAS SLEEPING WITH WHOEVER SENT THE TEXT. HE WOKE ME UP. HE RIPPED ME OFF THE COUCH. HE SPIT ON ME. HE SCREAMED AT ME. HE TORE ME AROUND THE LIVING ROOM BY MY HAIR. (AS I WRITE THIS THINGS GET HAZY.) HE CALLED ME A WHORE. - WE WERE SEPARATED. HE HAD BEEN INTIMATE WITH SEVERAL WOMEN, YET I WAS STILL HIS PROPERTY. HE THREW MY PHONE AT MY FACE. HE THREW MY PHONE AT THE TV. HE THREW THINGS AT THE COMPUTER. HE SMASHED SEVERAL ITEMS. HE BROKE PICTURES. THERE WAS GLASS EVERYWHERE. HE SLAMMED ME ONTO THE FLOOR. HE WAS ANGRY/PSYCHOTIC/BLACK/BLANK/EMPTY. NOTHING I SAID WAS WRITE. HE ASKED ME IF I HAD SEX WITH THAT PERSON WHO TEXT MESSAGED ME. I SAID NO. HE CALLED ME A LIAR AND TOLD ME TO SAY YES. I SAID NO, HE PUT HIS ARM AROUND MY NECK. I SAID NO I DIDN’T AND STARTED BEGGING HIM TO STOP. HE PUSHED HARDER AND CALLED ME A LIAR. I CRIED HARDER AND WAS HAVING TROUBLE BREATHING. I SAID NO I PROMISE AND HE WAS LOSING THE LIFE IN HIS EYES. I CRIED MORE AND SAID YES HOPING THAT WOULD MAKE HIM HAPPY AND THEN I BLACKED OUT. - NOW HERES WHAT I THINK MAY HAVE HAPPENED AT SOME POINT. I THINK I HAD A CHANCE AT SOME POINT TO CALL 911 FROM MY HOUSE PHONE. I’M NOT SURE IF THIS IS A MEMORY FROM A SEPARATE TIME OR FROM THAT NIGHT BUT I HAVE A VAGUE MEMORY OF PICKING UP THE PHONE AND DIALING 911 - HEARING HELLO? AND THEN HAVING TO HANG UP FOR SOME REASON. I’M NOT SURE THOUGH. AGAIN IT’S JUST A MEMORY. I DO NOT REMEMBER ENDING UP NAKED. I DO NOT REMEMBER GETTING TO MY BED. I DO NOT REMEMBER ANYONE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. I DO REMEMBER THE DOOR OPENING AND THREE PEOPLE BEING THERE. THERE WERE TWO NEIGHBORS AND A NEIGHBOR’S FRIEND. THE NEIGHBOR’S FRIEND PICKED ME UP AND WALKED ME OVER ALL OF THE GLASS AND PLACED ME ONTO THE COUCH WHERE HE SAID ID BE SAFE. I WAS IN SUCH A HAZE. THEN THE AMBULANCE AND THE COPS SHOWED UP. THEY CAME IN AND WERE ASKING ME TONS OF QUESTIONS. I HONESTLY DON’T REMEMBER IF I ANSWERED ANYTHING. I REMEMBER THE NEIGHBORS SAYING THEY HEARD STUFF. LOUD SOUNDS LIKE SEX - I STARTED CRYING. I OBVIOUSLY DIDN’T REMEMBER ANY OF THAT. I HAD MARKS ALL OVER MY BODY. THEY TOOK PICTURES. I CANT REMEMBER IF I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL. I THINK I DID. I REMEMBER A NURSE TELLING ME ABOUT MAKING THE CHOICE TO STAND FOR ME OR STAND FOR HIM. AND I WAS SICKENED BY THE THOUGHT OF STANDING FOR HIM. MY MOTHER CAME TO THE HOUSE AND YELLED AT ME WHILE THE COPS WERE THERE. SHE ALWAYS BLAMED ME. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I’LL NEVER REGAIN FROM THAT NIGHT. SO MANY MEMORIES I’VE LOST.

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO WRITE, BUT FOR NOW…THAT’S ENOUGH.

- ME -

Life After Love

Love is the the source of life; when love dies, we no longer exist. How then, am I expected to love again if I am nonexistent?

I read stories of abuse and despair followed by recovery and triumph. When I get to the end of the story I find myself with a crinkled face and thoughts racing through my mind. "She can't be for real," or "This is absolute b/s."

Inparticular, one story I read recently has really agitated me. Amanda describes her 5 year marriage as abusive on several levels. She explains that in March of 2010 she left her husband and by March 2011 was divorced. The story proceeds to describe how she met her now husband in April of 2011 and was married by March 2013.

The whole time all I can think is: a) Something is really wrong with her or b) Something is really wrong with me. I was getting sick and nervous just hearing that she was in a relationship that quickly after getting out of her abusive relationship.

One month after my divorce, which ironically was March 2011 - I was a nutcase. I suffered from severe PTSD.

A full list of symptoms:

1. Flashbacks,
2. Intrusive imagery,
3. Nightmares
4. Anxiety,
5. Emotional numbing,
6. Hypervigilance
7. Avoidance of traumatic triggers.
8. Heart palpitations or breaking into a cold sweat when you see violence on TV
9. Waking up in a state of panic from dreams of being chased by your abuser
10. Cleaning obsessively to avoid thinking about the abuse
11. Not answering the phone because you think it might be your abuser
12. Not taking pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
13. Not feeling close to anyone
14. Not being able to walk down the street without looking around and worrying that you will run into your abuser
15. Not being able to get more than four or five hours sleep, and not restful sleep at that
16. Trying to read and finding yourself stuck on the same page for twenty minutes
17. Yelling at the kids for little things
18. Feeling guilty that the children witnessed the abuse or are being deprived of their father
19. Feeling guilty about not having been able to get your partner to change
20. Feeling guilty about not having broken off the relationship sooner

99% of the above list still apply. I'm not saying it didn't cross my mind to attempt dating after my divorce. I found that each attempt was harder than the first. Each man I met had one more characteristic that was "abusive" and caused me to run away faster. One may have raised his voice, the other may have driven a bit too fast. I recall a man who didn't see his children very often, while another simply didnt work 40 hours a week. Any quality that paralleled my x-husband was an instant disqualifier. I will never consider a man with the same name as my x-husband. The same height was even a disqualifier at one point in time.

I've grown delusional at this point in time. I read stories like Amanda's and wonder what she did to recover. I have gone to therapy. I have been on more medicine than I care to explain. I have dated. I have met people. I have become comfortable with people. Do you  believe in life after love? Do you have to be a certain type of person to experience Love after life?

I am currently dating someone I really like but he will never consider me more than someone comfortable to date casually. This is another area my resentment for my x-husband grows. Here I am with three children at the age of 25. I can meet great guys and then i (normally) count myself out because I know they will eventually want children. This one time I take a chance, and fall for an amazing guy. When it comes to the talk of exclusive versus "not a chance in hell" ... I realize I should have NEVER turned my back on my original rule. In fairness, he wants the ideal image of a picture perfect family. So did I, so do we all. I do not want to rob that from him. And that's what I would do.

What bothers me the most is here I am ... 4 years (nearly exactly) after the first time I was ever hurt by my x-husband, and for a few months now I've been able to open up and trust another man. I want to scream at someone - be that god, be that allah, be that who ever you bow your heads or raise your hands to...there is nothing fair about teasing me with the illusion of trust and comfort and security when its never going to happen.

So after realizing that he was not going to be satisfied with me, miss used goods, I tried to date. All I have done was spine myself in an endless circle of no, no, and hell no.

Recently I went on a date - and this is a first for me so pay attention - (not the going on a date part but the ... well you will see) - So yes recently I went on a date and we were going back and forth and I was giving a little bit of my back ground and he was as well. He was a single father of 2 and I explained I had three kids. He then crossed the line mentioning that he liked sexual tension and thought we had a lot of it going on. I did a polite heh sort of giggle and said "oh, me too...sleeping with someone on the first date is not really my style..." and I swear the jerk says "Thats strange coming from a single mother with three kids."

How can the woman from the story  find someone 1 month after her divorce and here I am nearly 3 years after my divorce still terrified of my own shadow if it is too dark out?

If you ask me, life barely exists after love and love sure as hell does not exist after life.

It’s funny that he writes about music today. All day my mind has been consumed by lyrics. How easy it is to drift away with great rhythm and rhyme. I notice my mood, and my sense of self are drastically affected when certain songs come on the radio.

Some songs can calm me…

Even if the sky is falling down 
I know that we’ll be safe and sound 
We’re safe and sound

Some songs remind me how I long to be loved…

You’re such a hard act for me to follow 
Love me today don’t leave me tomorrow, yeah 
But if I fall for you, I’ll never recover 
If I fall for you, I’ll never be the same

While other songs remind me of my desire for release…

I have lost the will to live 
Simply nothing more to give 
There is nothing more for me 
Need the end to set me free…

Music speaks to me provides answers to questions I haven’t even addressed. Lyricist Eminem  stood by me in court when I had no strength.

And I just can’t keep living this way 
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage 
I’m standing up, Imma face my demons 
I’m manning up, Imma hold my ground 
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up 
Time to put my life back together right now

And when I had no words, and didn’t understand how to explain what was happening to me - they did.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, 
But that’s all right, because I like the way it hurts. 
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, 
But that’s all right, because I love the way you lie, 
I love the way you lie.

Then when it’s time to cry and wish upon a star…

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? 
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

Everyone has their list, and some people just love music for the beats/sounds/people/scene…i’ve even heard of people who don’t like music.

Music is my soul. My soul is music.

“Without music, life would be a mistake.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols